Vulnerable sensei
by Ahai
Summary: Naruto has noticed there is something off with Kakashi but he doesn t know what he shall do... Iruka is on the case to figure that out


How could he have forgotten? Naruto was right there when team 7 received the message from Kakashi yesterday! But then again Naruto had his mind in other thoughts, he was looking at the sky and had thoughts about which ramen he was going to eat today... He heard the words, but they sifted though his ears and came to his mind as faded words. Naruto was on his way to Kakashi to ask him what the message was, if he told them there was something they had to do and if there was any deadline. Naruto hoped the deadline was not today possibily.

Naruto felt as if he was on his way to his execution or something similar. Kakashi did not live in a dungeon, there was nothing dangerous about the place he lived. Naruto just felt this situation to be so humiliating, never has he heard about a student coming to his sensei`s place to ask for something, such things were done during the instructions. But what if it was something important? Sasuke would probably rub it in his face when Naruto came to the instuction with nothing and Sakura would go along rubbing and scolding him since she always took Sasuke`s side in everything. No, Naruto would not let anyone make fun of him or go to his team empty-handed. The only thing Naruto could do now was to sneak his way to Kakashi and be careful not to be spotted by other students.

When Naruto got the he found the door not properly closed, it was slightly ajar. Did Kakashi forget to close the door? No, that could not be it. No one was so foolish to leave their door open during night. Did Kakashi run off in a rush? Naruto`s wondering thoughts stopped up as he heard some whimpering inside. Without thinking about the norms of entering anyones home uninvited, Naruto slowly opened the door wide and went in and left the door the way he found it.

The hallway was small and by the doorway in front of him he could see a bed. Naruto leaned to the wall and peeked his head out the doorway. On the bed he saw a huge lump underneath the covers violently move. Was Kakashi having issues waking up? Naruto now knew the whimpers he heard came from Kakashi. However, it was not much of whimpers anymore. It was now turned into sobs and Naruto saw Kakashi in person after he kicked off the covers and rolled himself into a fetus position. Naruto hid himself more into the wall so he would not be spotted. The sobs did not last for long, Kakashi started screaming with both his eyes wide open as tears ran down his cheeks. Naruto withdrew the little of himself from the doorway and put his back to the wall.

He covered his ears, the screaming was so loud and painful to listen to. It sounded like Kakashi was being dismembered alive! The whole purpose for this visit no longer existed in Naruto`s mind, what he just witnessed disturbed his mind. Kakashi was one of the strongest persons Naruto knew, to see him like this made him feel so... freaked out. Naruto felt like he should go to Kakashi and do something, but he did not know what to do. With a heavy heart Naruto walked out of Kakashi`s place. He did not have to make himself quiet on his way out, Kakashi`s screams were dominant to any sound.

"

"He is late... again. How long are we going to wait this time?" Sasuke sighed.

Team 7 waited for their sensei to show up. Him being late was not uncommon. As Sasuke and Sakura sulked and complained, Naruto remained quiet. He actually hoped Kakashi would not show up, Naruto was not sure if he could look at him after what he saw early in the morning. He felt bad. When someone was in a state like Kakashi was you should have helped them out. Naruto would definantly do that for any classmate, he would probably not be sure if he had the right words or action but he would do his very best. But he did nothing for Kakashi. Why did he not do anything?

Poof!

In front of Naruto and the others Kakashi showed up out of no where in a tiny fog.

"You are late, Kakashi-sensei" Sakura said.

"Yes, sorry I am late you guys. I was just-"

"It is fine, Kakashi-sensei" Naruto interrupted.

How could this be? Naruto knew what he saw, he saw how broken Kakashi was. And here Kakashi showed up, acting like how he always seemed to be. Naruto did not even look at him when he said what he said. Naruto could not bear looking at him right now, the mere thought of Kakashi after what he saw earlier...

There was silence for a moment. Naruto usually was the one who would complain loudly and scold Kakashi for being late, so it was no wonder the others looked at him strangely.

"Umm...ok. I guess we should get started with the training" Kakashi broke the silence.

Nothing more was said, team 7 just did as they were told. As they were training, Naruto could hear Sakura mutter quietly to herself:

 _"Why has he not mentioned the moves we were told to learn by today?"_

So that is what the message team 7 received... Naruto completely forgot everything about that and it seemed like Kakashi did too hence whatever made him go down in such despair.

"

Naruto was picking on his ramen with the chopsticks. After training he went to Ichiraku with Iruka when his teacher finally had time to join Naruto for some ramen. Naruto was very excited before but that excitement was no longer there, after half an hour Naruto had barely eaten anything. His ramen was usually gone under a minute, anyone would suspect something was wrong with Naruto if his ramen was not gone by then. Iruka was one of those people.

"Naruto, what is the matter?" Iruka asked.

Naruto did not reply immediately. Iruka waited patiently as he saw Naruto picking on his food a bit more until he finally turned his look on him.

"There is...I saw... something is wrong with Kakashi-sensei" Naruto replied sadly and put down his chopsticks as if he admitted defeat to his lack of appetite.

Iruka raised an eyebrow. Something wrong with Kakashi? What could that be? And why was Naruto like this?

"Has anything happened to him?" Iruka wondered.

Naruto looked at his now cold ramen as he told Iruka what he saw today. The crying and screaming from Kakashi, how he looked so vulnerable... After he told Iruka what he saw, he started to share his emotions about how he felt about this situation.

"I didn`t ask him what was wrong. It felt like I was frozen in place, what is wrong with me, dattebayo?! What am I going to do, what am I supposed to do?"

Naruto completely forgot all about the ramen, his attention was all on Iruka now. Iruka listened to Naruto carefully, let Naruto speak without any interruptions. Iruka was getting worried, it did not sound like Kakashi at all. He was not sure if Naruto was worried as well or affected by this, maybe it was a combination of both? A student should never see their teachers in such a state, it would make them insecure about how to view them afterwards.

"

"What am I going to do? I don`t even know what`s wrong with him..." Naruto said despairingly.

It all became silent for a while. Naruto still did not eat his ramen, he just stared at his feet and Iruka seemed to have gotten deep in thoughts. It was never good for anyone to see a role model in such a state. To see a role model who was brave and never showed fear or sadness... But then again the big role models were humans too and like any other human, they had emotions. However hearing that the one role model being Kakashi who broke down would make anyone wonder. If Naruto really saw what he saw, Kakashi must have had it pretty bad. For Kakashi to show up for his students like how he always used to be, he most probably bottled up all these awful feelings and unleashed them when he is all alone. That was something Kakashi should not be doing, neither bottle it all up from others or be alone with his problems. Iruka put down his chipsticks.

"You are not going to do anything, Naruto. I will take care of this" Iruka said and got up from his seat.

"

When Iruka arrived to Kakashi`s apartment it seemed to be somehow empty. The rooms were dark and he could not see Kakashi anywhere. He, and any other for that matter, had the ability to walk straight in Kakashi`s home since the front door was wide open.

 _"Naruto probably left in such a rush that he did not bother closing the door..."_ Iruka thought.

Like Naruto curiosity got the better of him so Iruka just went inside Kakashi`s apartment. Unlike Naruto however he did not see, or notice, Kakashi right away, one could believe the apartment was deserted. Iruka held his breath so he could listen more carefully to any sounds. He heard a shower running. The sound was faint, so it was probably further away from Iruka behind a closed door. Iruka followed the sound and he could hear the shower clearly as he now stood in front of a closed door. It was most probably Kakashi`s bathroom.

"Kakashi-san?" Iruka called and knocked on the door.

"I apologize for coming inside without your permision but there is an important matter I would like to talk to you about..."

No answer. Iruka knocked on the door with all his might as an attempt to make Kakashi hear it, but no, nothing happened. Iruka grew impatient and it was late in the evening, he could not wait the next day to talk to Kakashi so he kicked the door open. The scene in front of him almost paralyzed Iruka. Kakashi, stark naked and ignorant of Iruka`s presence, was sobbing and scrubbing his arms like he had solidified tar on them. The scrubbing was so fierce, the skin on his arms were exfoliating and his arms were bleeding!

Without feeling awkward running towards someone naked in the shower, Iruka wanted to stop what Kakashi was doing.

"What are you doing?! Stop it Kakashi, you`ll scrub your skin off!" Iruka tried to take the washcloth away from him.

Kakashi, who did not seem to be angry or embarrased by what was happening, kept on scrubbing even with Iruka trying to rip off the washcloth from his hand.

"It won`t come off...It wont come off!" Kakashi cried.

"What, Kakashi? What won`t come off?" Iruka asked still trying to take away the washcloth.

"The blood...the blood" It was amazing how a whisper could be so loud...

Iruka placed himself in front of Kakashi, trying to get proper contact with him.

"If you stop scrubbing so roughly, then you will stop bleeding!" Iruka yelled at him.

"Their blood... blood come off me, please!" Kakashi muttered.

Their blood? Kakashi was refering to someone elses blood? Oh my, Kakashi was most probably hallucinating! Was that from a mission he recently had? It did not really matter right now, Kakashi was obviously upset and his actions made everything worse.

Iruka wanted to stop this. He stopped what he was doing letting go of the washcloth and went to get a big towel. He turned off the shower knob and pushed Kakashi as he was trying to turn it on again.

"No, I must scrub their blood off!" Kakashi exclaimed desperately.

"Kakashi, there is no one elses blood on you exept for your own!" Iruka grabbed Kakashi`s shoulders and tried to hold him firm.

After many failed attempts to turn the shower on, Kakashi broke down to his knees. Before he could get down to a fetal postion, Iruka wrapped the towel around him and then wrapped his arms around him.

"It`s alright, Kakashi. It will be alright..." Iruka whispered to the sobbing mess in his arms.

"

Kakashi regained him composure eventually. Iruka, despite being dripping wet from the shower, cared for Kakashi. Iruka bandaged his arms and wrapped a warm blanked around him once he was dried off. Kakashi sat in the center of his bed and Iruka sat on the edge of it. Kakashi looked down on the floor and grasped the blanked.

"Kakashi, what was this all about?" Iruka asked him gently.

Kakashi did not respond him. He was just looking down somewhat embarrased or still upset. Iruka noticed.

"I am not judging you, and neither will I do so, I want to know what happened that made you do what you did"

"I should not have acted like this... what kind of ninja am I?" Kakashi spoke quietly, still looking down.

Iruka put a hand on Kakashi`s shoulder gently and looked at him with compassionate eyes.

"I deal with young people every day... Despite what I am trying to teach them, they have their mind set on how ninjas are supposed to be strong both physically and mentally. But you know what? You can be the strongest in the world, but you will still remain human. When hurt in battle, med-nins bandage and heal the wounds. Now I want to tend to the wounds you have inside but I need you to cooperate" Iruka told Kakashi.

Slowly Kakashi looked up at Iruka. He was about to tell, but Iruka could tell from his eyes he dreaded doing so. Almost like jumping into ice cold water.

"It has been so long... I haven`t visited them" Kakashi said.

Iruka looked at Kakashi with wondering eyes.

"This is so stupid and how you look at me... I should not say anything!" Kakashi exclaimed and turned from Iruka and tried to wrap himself tighter with the blanked.

Iruka did understand Kakashi did not mean just some ordinary people, he had to make Kakashi understand so and make him continue.

"The people in your heart? Why could you not visit them?" Iruka tried to understand.

"Their graves..." Kakashi muttered.

Now it made more sence. Iruka shifted himself so he could sit beside Kakashi again. He would not be surprised if Kakashi were to turn away again, but Kakashi actually remained on his place. Iruka was silent, he waited for Kakashi to say more and let him take his time.

"I visit their graves everyday, graves of former comrades. But as I do so, more and more of my work gets delayed"

Kakashi sniffled.

"I had a lot of work, it had to be done or there would be serious consequenses. I thought it would be fine, after all, I visit them everyday so that could not be bad, right?"

Kakashi closed his eyes and got silent. A moment after composing himself, he opened his eyes and continued.

"The more and more of my work being done, I felt more and more guilty. It felt like I was betraying them, felt like I was ignoring them. They now appear alive covered in blood in my dreams at night, asking me why I was leaving them alone, abandoning them. Like..."

Kakashi seemed almost like he froze. Iruka felt like he needed to step in and help.

"Like...?" Iruka repeated.

Kakashi snapped out of his frozen state. He blinked furiously, his eyes getting watery.

"Like how I did back then. When this one comrade of mine was still alive..."

Survivor guilt. Iruka was now sure Kakashi once had a severe suffering of it. The busy schedule Kakashi had, which made it impossible for Kakashi to visit those comrades graves, must have flared up the survivor guilt again.

Iruka put one arm around Kakashi`s shoulder.

"It`s not your fault Kakashi" Iruka said.

Kakashi`s eyes went wide and he looked at Iruka.

"How can you say that?! You weren`t there, I should have saved him! He would have been alive if it weren`t for me..."

Iruka brought Kakashi close to himself, his mouth close to his ear.

"I don`t need to know what happened back then, I already know you did all you could. From what you have told me, you and your comrades were on a mission and something happened to this comrade"

Iruka put his other arm around Kakashi and now held him in a hug. Kakashi did not object but neither did he lean into the hug.

"I think there is more to this than this one comrade, Kakashi. You used to be an ANBU and I know there are others you have fought with who haven`t survived missions. You may not have been as close to them as you were with this comrade, but you still saw their lives being taken from them"

This made Kakashi lean into the hug, or rather, dig himself into Iruka. Iruka felt his chest get warmer from Kakashi`s tears. This sadness was currently all about the graves Kakashi did not visit. But this would come. As Kakashi`s guilt over this comrade got worse, the guilt over the other ninjas Kakashi witnessed dying would come. Iruka thought it was better to bring this up to Kakashi now then wait for the guilt to worsen and rot and break him further apart. Just imagine how many dead people would come and blame him in his dreams...

"Go to them" Iruka said firmly after a long time as Kakashi had calmed down a bit.

"Tell them the reason why you did not come to them, tell them you didn`t forget about them and that you could never. You are alive Kakashi, they want you to live it."

Kakashi got up to a proper sitting position and had his look to the ground. Although his eyes were red and wet, a glimpse of happiness appeared in them.

"

"Yeah, that`s it for today. Well done everyone!"

Everything was back to normal. Kakashi got late meeting his students and read his dirty books in front of them but most importantly, he felt happy. It felt so nice to see his students without hiding pent up emotions! He did as Iruka told him and ever since then it got better. His comrades did not appear in his dreams anymore, neither could he see anyones blood on him.

"Wait up, Naruto!" Kakashi said and stopped said student.

Naruto seemed to be happier than usual. Kakashi did not understand why, but he supposed it was a good nevertheless.

"What is it, Kakashi-sensei?" Naruto asked.

"Do you know where Iruka is? There are things I would like to say to him"

Naruto`s lips formed a smile but it quickly turned to a pout of wonder.

"I am not sure if it is something bad or anything but we were told Iruka-sensei is sick. I think it`s most likely he is at home"

Kakashi let out a short laugh.

"What`s funny? It could be serious!" Naruto exclaimed.

"Oh don`t worry, Naruto, I am sure nothing is seriously wrong with Iruka. Thanks for letting me know, I gotta run"

With that Kakashi ran towards Iruka`s house.

"

Iruka lay in his bed with a thermometer in his mouth, a washcloth to his forhead, no pants and wore a t-shirt which had gotten all sweaty.

"This stupid washcloth doesn`t work..." Iruka mumbled to himself.

The thermometer had finished measuring his body heat but before he saw what it said, he took of his shirt which was hard hence it had stuck itself to his skin. Once he got that off he read the thermometer: 40o C.

"Damn..." Iruka muttered.

No wonder he felt so tired and lightheaded! He did not have the energy to get up to eat, drink or cool down the washcloth. Oh my, this would be a long period of sickness...

"Iruka? Are you home?"

Iruka heard someone calling outside his door. Iruka was glad, maybe someone could help him out! But he was too exhausted to get up to open the door, he used up the energy he had to get this sticky shirt off himself and his throat was too raspy for him to loudly tell the one outside to come in.

His door opened up and there he saw Kakashi enter! Kakashi looked much better by the looks of it, now it was Iruka who needed to get better...

"Hi, Iruka. Sorry for just barging in but I wanted to thank you for what you did for me. I feel much better"

Iruka could not scold Kakashi for coming in uninvited since he did that to him.

"That`s good, Kakashi" Iruka said with a hoarse voice.

Kakashi looked at Iruka hesitant and put a hand behind his head.

"Naruto told me you have gotten sick and I can see and hear that too..."

Iruka raised an eyebrow.

"Yeah, I think wore wet clothes too long..."

Kakashi closed the door behind him and approached Iruka.

"What you did for me... I am very grateful and I want to return the favor"

Kakashi sniffed and waved in the air lightly with a single hand. The next thing he did was going to another room which Iruka wasn`t sure of where. Iruka heard banging pots, water running and Kakashi cursing. What on earth was he doing? Iruka did not bother asking where Kakashi was going or what he was going to do, he said he was going to return the favor so he was up to something good, right?

Kakashi came back to Iruka with towels hanging down from one of his arms and a basin filled with water in his hands. Kakashi put down the basin next to the bed and pulled the duvet off Iruka.

"What are you doing, Kakashi?!" Iruka asked astonished.

"I am giving you a sponge bath. You stink and since you can`t open the door, then you can`t go to the shower. I see you are only in your underwear, so at least you won`t be embarrased by me undressing you" Kakashi dipped one of the towels in the basin and twisted it.

Iruka was not sure about this, it was a bit awkward.

"Really, Kakashi, I appreaciate it but- mmm..."

As soon as Kakashi put the wet towel to Iruka`s clavicles and started gently rubbing around the area, Iruka forgot all about awkwardness and enjoyed the sensation. Kakashi rubbed Iruka`s upper body with the towel here and there and Iruka was so put at ease that he dozed off. Kakashi used another towel to dab Iruka dry, picked up the wash cloth Iruka used to his forehead, cooled it down under the kitchen sink and put it to his forehead.

As Iruka woke up, Kakashi was still there. He sat on the edge of Iruka`s bed and put a hand to Iruka`s cheek.

"It seemes like your fever has gone down a bit. Do you feel any better?"

Iruka still felt lightheaded but he no longer felt sweaty and overheated.

"Yes, I feel better than I did this morning. How long have you been here? For how long have I been asleep?" Iruka said.

Kakashi petted the duvet he covered Iruka well up with.

"You have been sleeping for a few hours or so. I wanted to make sure you were okay and had everything you needed before I went home"

"Now that you mention it I don`t think I have any medication left and I know I am out of tea..." Iruka sighed.

Kakashi got up.

"That`s alright, I will go get it for you!" Kakashi said and went towards the door.

"Kakashi..." Iruka said as Kakashi was halfway out.

"Thank you, you are a true friend" Iruka said with a smile.

As Kakashi was out the door, he turned to Iruka.

"I am the one who should say that, YOU are the true friend, Iruka!"

Kakashi closed the door and went on his way to get the things Iruka needed. Kakashi wanted to tend to Iruka just like how Iruka did that for him.


End file.
